The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Wake

It was supposed to set me free of the hell that I've been putting myself through these past couple of weeks.  And at first glance, it was supposed to be a joyous occasion - something new to celebrate.  But because I've just been down this path only months ago, my torturous mind will not allow me to accept it.  The mind is a sadistic adversary.

I hopped onto to Google last night - why do I do this to myself?  I found that a false positive test after miscarriage can occur up to about a month after the miscarriage.  It's been 7 weeks for me, but it's still not unheard of.  So I still don't have an answer, but I do have possibilities:

1. The miscarriage did not pass all the tissue.  I will need a D&C
2. I had twins and only one miscarried (Not likely - I saw there was nothing in the sack in the picture)
3. I am pregnant again....

Even if my ideal answer was chosen, that does not mean it will stick, especially because I didn't wait a full cycle. If you notice that I'm mentally torturing myself NOW, imagine what I'll be like for 9 months if I could make it that far!  I would live in constant fear each day.  I can see myself, yelling to the heavens, "Why didn't I wait a full cycle?!!!!!!"

So I went to the lab today to get a first set of blood work done, and I should have some type of update by tonight.  After the blood work, I took a picture of my boo boo wrapped in pink in the filthiest bathroom I've been in for awhile.  I'm serious folks, my shoes literally stuck to the floor (I know I tend to exaggerate, but this is totally true)!  I felt obliged to apply 2 toilet seat protectors on my seat.  As I pulled my pants up, one of my cellphones (yes I have two--how else would I find the first one if it went missing and I didn't have a second one to call it?) fell out of my back pocket and onto the floor.

"Noooooooo!" I screamed thinking of all the germs and floor adhesion.  I really needed to get out of there.  Getting out of there was the easy part; now getting away from my own thoughts will be impossible.

I need to stop this insanity, and stop writing these depression-inducing blog posts.  Thank goodness Easter is only days away!  I could use some furry bunnies, pastel flowers, and decorated eggs right about now.  In fact, dying eggs seems like the perfect creative outlet to keep my mind busy this weekend.  I guess I'm stopping at the store on my way home from work today.

Mommy & Me Monday: The Loss

It's sort of like when you wake up from the most luscious dream that you are dating your high school crush, and then you wake up to remember that you are still a high school nerd and he doesn't even acknowledge your existence. You wake screaming, "No!!!!! Bring me back to my dream!" And you close your eyes to go back to sleep, but you can't catch a wink of sleep.

It's sort of like when you walk in through the door to your home after coming back from a sweetest paradise vacation, and you think, "Was I really just there only XX hours ago?" You know you were, but it's all just a memory now.

It's sort of like when you lose your mother's most precious bracelet, given to her by her father who had to work hard to get it. You can still feel it in your hands, feel the weight, the ridges, the temperature - yet it is not there. Your palm is empty.

And the emotion - well the emotion is like the day you realized you were mortal, or the day you had to put your dog down, or the day your parents divorced, or the day you were told you had a terminal illness. I could go on, but I won't.

Instead I will acknowledge how lucky I am to come home to a healthy one year old boy, a loving husband, and over-sized fluffy dog that I love so dear. Lucky to have a strong family support system in my sister and parents. I will focus only on the light through this tough experience. And to me, the light is that we were able to conceive so quickly. Maybe the next time around will not take us another 3 years? For now, I still count my blessings and anticipate a better outcome as the year progresses. I am fine now, and know more than ever now, that Diego is meant to be an older brother someday...

Someday, I will not have to wake from the dream because the dream will be the reality. Someday my vacation paradise will be my everyday life. And someday, the jewel that I lost will be returned to my hands, and I won't let go...

Waiting for the Miscarriage?

No sooner did I express my concerns regarding a miscarriage that I'm already in the middle of a scare. Yesterday was a BAD morning for me. I will be very candid about the events that occurred:

After a couple days of light spotting, I woke to feeling something similar to discharge. Sadly when I checked, I found out it was not: I was bleeding. A million thoughts went through my head at that moment. Am I having a miscarriage? Was I ever even really pregnant? Is this my regular period?

I did not feel any horrible pains, so I went in to work. The bleeding continued and seemed to get a little heavier so I called the nurse. She scheduled me for an ultrasound at 2:45 pm (I had meetings in the morning). Can you imagine what it's like to sit through meetings, trying to talk to people normally while in the back of your mind you think that you are in the middle of a miscarriage? It was horrible!
2:45 FINALLY came and I had both an ultrasound and a sonogram. After taking the pictures the radiologist said something like:
"I don't see anything in the sack but some fluid and a small amount of mass that COULD BE an embryo. I'm going to let Dr.Baker take a look at these and get back to you in a few minutes."

I sat there, hanging on the words that I had no expertise on "nothing in the sack". What did this mean? Was I never even pregnant? I decided that must be it, so I immediately began dealing with the depression of a false-positive pregnancy. Those 10 minutes felt like HOURS...

Dr. Baker walked in and began to talk to me about the results and plan. She said it was "smaller than expected" which means I could have been a little off on my days (I don't think so because my last period was on Diego's birthday for sure). I really didn't listen to her, and went straight into asking questions about a false-positive pregnancy because I had convinced myself that's what it was. She assured me that according to the pictures she saw, she agreed with the positive test. It was just smaller than normal.

At that moment I felt good if only for the moment, knowing that an expert had confirmed my pregnancy for the first time. But then I remembered the facts: I was still bleeding heavily. I also remember having taken Ibuprofen (above the recommended dose as prescribed by the urgent care doctor) for almost a week due to a plugged ear after returning from Peru. Could this have stunted my baby's growth or worse, stopped it?

To make an emotional story short, there is no way of knowing at this point whether or not I have possibly miscarried. I had blood work done yesterday to check out my pregnancy hormone levels, if the levels aren't high I may have to get the work re-done on Saturday because hormone levels are supposed to double in 48 hrs. I am impatiently waiting for a call from the Dr.'s office to see what the next move is.

I'm also supposed to go back for another ultrasound in a week. A WEEK! Combining my overactive brain at the moment, Googling "miscarriages", and a week's time together can only lead to me feeling defeated and depressed for the entire week. Yet I go on, because there's a glimmer of a chance that Baby will make it through this tough time. I look into Diego's eyes and imagine how I could fight if I knew it was him in there fighting for his life. I can't be weak... I need to be strong... for my babies....