Friday, April 22, 2011

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Wake

It was supposed to set me free of the hell that I've been putting myself through these past couple of weeks.  And at first glance, it was supposed to be a joyous occasion - something new to celebrate.  But because I've just been down this path only months ago, my torturous mind will not allow me to accept it.  The mind is a sadistic adversary.

I hopped onto to Google last night - why do I do this to myself?  I found that a false positive test after miscarriage can occur up to about a month after the miscarriage.  It's been 7 weeks for me, but it's still not unheard of.  So I still don't have an answer, but I do have possibilities:

  1. The miscarriage did not pass all the tissue.  I will need a D&C
  2. I had twins and only one miscarried (Not likely - I saw there was nothing in the sack in the picture)
  3. I am pregnant again....
Even if my ideal answer was chosen, that does not mean it will stick, especially because I didn't wait a full cycle. If you notice that I'm mentally torturing myself NOW, imagine what I'll be like for 9 months if I could make it that far!  I would live in constant fear each day.  I can see myself, yelling to the heavens, "Why didn't I wait a full cycle?!!!!!!"

So I went to the lab today to get a first set of blood work done, and I should have some type of update by tonight.  After the blood work, I took a picture of my boo boo wrapped in pink in the filthiest bathroom I've been in for awhile.  I'm serious folks, my shoes literally stuck to the floor (I know I tend to exaggerate, but this is totally true)!  I felt obliged to apply 2 toilet seat protectors on my seat.  As I pulled my pants up, one of my cellphones (yes I have two--how else would I find the first one if it went missing and I didn't have a second one to call it?) fell out of my back pocket and onto the floor.

"Noooooooo!" I screamed thinking of all the germs and floor adhesion.  I really needed to get out of there.  Getting out of there was the easy part; now getting away from my own thoughts will be impossible.

I need to stop this insanity, and stop writing these depression-inducing blog posts.  Thank goodness Easter is only days away!  I could use some furry bunnies, pastel flowers, and decorated eggs right about now.  In fact, dying eggs seems like the perfect creative outlet to keep my mind busy this weekend.  I guess I'm stopping at the store on my way home from work today.


    Jessica said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

    My fingers are crossed for you and I will momentarily cross my eyes(I wouldn't want it to stick that way). I really hope things are ok!

    Shirley said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

    @Jessica - Thanks Mama! :)