Thursday, April 21, 2011

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You



Today marks the seventh week since my loss, and there are a few things weighing in the back of my mind that I am ignoring yet torturing myself over. These things have been growing so slowly over time, that I'm amazed I don't see them staring back at me in the mirror when I wake up every morning. I've been doing a great job of ignoring them. I think that's why I spent so much time this week working on vlogs and reading my camera's User Manual; so I wouldn't have to think about reality.

The main thing on my mind is a question that over 7 week's time has morphed from "When will I get my first period?" to "How long does it take to get my first period after such an awful experience" to "Why haven't I gotten my period yet?" to "Could I be pregnant?" Many sadistic hours on Google have followed.

Rewind 2 days ago where I began to - I wouldn't even call it "spot", it's lighter and more of a "stain" than a spot. The change in physical status stung a little, and after I got over the initial disappointment, I began with new questions: "Does this count as my period?" and now since the staining has not developed into anything stronger: "Is there any chance I still could possibly be pregnant?"

Any "normal" person reading this would probably be thinking "Why hasn't she just peed on the stick already?" I read so many mom-blogs where peeing on the stick goes hand in hand with brushing your teeth in the morning.

And here's the answer, I think I have a complex. I call it the "What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You-complex" and I know it's bogus because it's doing damage to me as we speak. Because I NEED to know - you know? Yet because it's psychological, it all makes sense to the mind.

After years of TTC and experiencing blow after blow when peeing on the stick, I'm just not mentally prepared to do it anymore. It's something that now requires build up. I have to think about peeing on the stick for 1-2 weeks before I actually get the nerve to do it. I think in between those 1-2 weeks, I am actually procrastinating because I know that my period must come between that time. And for some reason in my complicated mind, seeing Flo is less hurtful than seeing a big, fat "NO".

But 7 weeks is a long time, and the time has come to do what needs to be done. I must find out, even if it that means it will hurt me...

1 comments:

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You would think Aunt Flo would be more predictable. However I find she is quite elusive. She is a pesky visitor most of the time and then there are times when I really wondered just where is she? For instance this week she has come to visit after her 19 month hiatus. It was so weird, I thought something was wrong with me. haha. I can understand about peeing on a stick. I have a friend who feels the same way. I myself, hate all surprises, I need to know what's going on ASAP about everything. I really mean I hate the surprise aspect not the result of the surprise. I hope you get an answer soon.