Armed and Dangerous

The other day my little and only sister came over and confided in me that she has finally decided to join the TTC world and will try to make me an aunt.  I tried my best to stay calm, but deep down inside a parade began with trumpets blaring.  Amid our detailed discussions over daunting TTC acronyms like "TTC" "BD" "2WW" "DPO", etc.  I couldn't contain myself and blurted out,

"I'm so excited that I'm finally going to have a niece!!!!"

"What if it's a nephew?" she asked.

At that moment I caught Diego as he ran by the couch, scooped him into my arms and then proceeded to build two pigtails out of his hair.

"You will give me a niece, or the kid gets it!"  I threatened.  No pressure!

Armed (with an elastic band) and dangerous - Shirley

The News

I am such a tease, it's like right before you're about to find out who's going home on American Idol and Seacrest cuts to a commercial brake.  Yes, I was purposely MIA from the computer over the weekend just as the story reached its pinnacle.  I don't think I touched the computer once.  I think I had successfully "Googled" myself out over the past few days, that I just needed a technology brake.

So here is the update from Friday's debaucle:  my bloodwork came back and the hCG levels had increased since my miscarriage back in March.  My last level was 2300, and as of last week I have reached 4000!  The nurse said the words I wanted to hear:

"It looks like this is a new pregnancy..."

After she uttered those words, I decided to take my technology break.  My thought was: if this was a new pregnancy then, one way or another, fate would determine its outcome.  No amount of Googling will change what fate has in store for me now.

Just a few hours ago, I snuck away from work on my lunch hour to have my first ultrasound.  This time it was much different than the last time that I sat in that chair.  The nurse was so forthcoming with information "on the spot"; she didn't make me wait in anticipated silence until she finished all her photos.  No - right away she said, "I see the sack and a small embryo, and I see a flicker of a heartbeat."  She showed it to me.... it was the cutest little fluttering smudge I've ever seen in my life!

Aside from the fact that I'm still spotting, everything looked good from what she could see.  She said the placement was nice and high, and my ovaries looked good.  Of course you must know me by now; I am extremely worried that I'm still spotting, but seeing that heartbeat today has given me a high which has flooded my senses with a temporary calmness.  I feel good today.

I've been placed at 5 weeks and 5 days today with a due date of December 21st.  A Christmas baby!

When I got back to work lunch was almost over, and it was almost time for my next meeting.  But realizing the new importance of my diet choices, I took a few minutes to order my lunch and chose brown rice instead of white rice and went with the choice of snap peas.  And that my friends, is the news. 

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

Today marks the seventh week since my loss, and there are a few things weighing in the back of my mind that I am ignoring yet torturing myself over. These things have been growing so slowly over time, that I'm amazed I don't see them staring back at me in the mirror when I wake up every morning. I've been doing a great job of ignoring them. I think that's why I spent so much time this week working on vlogs and reading my camera's User Manual; so I wouldn't have to think about reality.

The main thing on my mind is a question that over 7 week's time has morphed from "When will I get my first period?" to "How long does it take to get my first period after such an awful experience" to "Why haven't I gotten my period yet?" to "Could I be pregnant?" Many sadistic hours on Google have followed.

Rewind 2 days ago where I began to - I wouldn't even call it "spot", it's lighter and more of a "stain" than a spot. The change in physical status stung a little, and after I got over the initial disappointment, I began with new questions: "Does this count as my period?" and now since the staining has not developed into anything stronger: "Is there any chance I still could possibly be pregnant?"

Any "normal" person reading this would probably be thinking "Why hasn't she just peed on the stick already?" I read so many mom-blogs where peeing on the stick goes hand in hand with brushing your teeth in the morning.

And here's the answer, I think I have a complex. I call it the "What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You-complex" and I know it's bogus because it's doing damage to me as we speak. Because I NEED to know - you know? Yet because it's psychological, it all makes sense to the mind.

After years of TTC and experiencing blow after blow when peeing on the stick, I'm just not mentally prepared to do it anymore. It's something that now requires build up. I have to think about peeing on the stick for 1-2 weeks before I actually get the nerve to do it. I think in between those 1-2 weeks, I am actually procrastinating because I know that my period must come between that time. And for some reason in my complicated mind, seeing Flo is less hurtful than seeing a big, fat "NO".

But 7 weeks is a long time, and the time has come to do what needs to be done. I must find out, even if it that means it will hurt me...