Friday, March 4, 2011

Waiting for the Miscarriage?

No sooner did I express my concerns regarding a miscarriage that I'm already in the middle of a scare. Yesterday was a BAD morning for me. I will be very candid about the events that occurred:

After a couple days of light spotting, I woke to feeling something similar to discharge. Sadly when I checked, I found out it was not: I was bleeding. A million thoughts went through my head at that moment. Am I having a miscarriage? Was I ever even really pregnant? Is this my regular period?

I did not feel any horrible pains, so I went in to work. The bleeding continued and seemed to get a little heavier so I called the nurse. She scheduled me for an ultrasound at 2:45 pm (I had meetings in the morning). Can you imagine what it's like to sit through meetings, trying to talk to people normally while in the back of your mind you think that you are in the middle of a miscarriage? It was horrible!
2:45 FINALLY came and I had both an ultrasound and a sonogram. After taking the pictures the radiologist said something like:
"I don't see anything in the sack but some fluid and a small amount of mass that COULD BE an embryo. I'm going to let Dr.Baker take a look at these and get back to you in a few minutes."

I sat there, hanging on the words that I had no expertise on "nothing in the sack". What did this mean? Was I never even pregnant? I decided that must be it, so I immediately began dealing with the depression of a false-positive pregnancy. Those 10 minutes felt like HOURS...

Dr. Baker walked in and began to talk to me about the results and plan. She said it was "smaller than expected" which means I could have been a little off on my days (I don't think so because my last period was on Diego's birthday for sure). I really didn't listen to her, and went straight into asking questions about a false-positive pregnancy because I had convinced myself that's what it was. She assured me that according to the pictures she saw, she agreed with the positive test. It was just smaller than normal.

At that moment I felt good if only for the moment, knowing that an expert had confirmed my pregnancy for the first time. But then I remembered the facts: I was still bleeding heavily. I also remember having taken Ibuprofen (above the recommended dose as prescribed by the urgent care doctor) for almost a week due to a plugged ear after returning from Peru. Could this have stunted my baby's growth or worse, stopped it?

To make an emotional story short, there is no way of knowing at this point whether or not I have possibly miscarried. I had blood work done yesterday to check out my pregnancy hormone levels, if the levels aren't high I may have to get the work re-done on Saturday because hormone levels are supposed to double in 48 hrs. I am impatiently waiting for a call from the Dr.'s office to see what the next move is.

I'm also supposed to go back for another ultrasound in a week. A WEEK! Combining my overactive brain at the moment, Googling "miscarriages", and a week's time together can only lead to me feeling defeated and depressed for the entire week. Yet I go on, because there's a glimmer of a chance that Baby will make it through this tough time. I look into Diego's eyes and imagine how I could fight if I knew it was him in there fighting for his life. I can't be weak... I need to be strong... for my babies....