Mommy & Me Monday: The Loss

It's sort of like when you wake up from the most luscious dream that you are dating your high school crush, and then you wake up to remember that you are still a high school nerd and he doesn't even acknowledge your existence. You wake screaming, "No!!!!! Bring me back to my dream!" And you close your eyes to go back to sleep, but you can't catch a wink of sleep.

It's sort of like when you walk in through the door to your home after coming back from a sweetest paradise vacation, and you think, "Was I really just there only XX hours ago?" You know you were, but it's all just a memory now.

It's sort of like when you lose your mother's most precious bracelet, given to her by her father who had to work hard to get it. You can still feel it in your hands, feel the weight, the ridges, the temperature - yet it is not there. Your palm is empty.

And the emotion - well the emotion is like the day you realized you were mortal, or the day you had to put your dog down, or the day your parents divorced, or the day you were told you had a terminal illness. I could go on, but I won't.

Instead I will acknowledge how lucky I am to come home to a healthy one year old boy, a loving husband, and over-sized fluffy dog that I love so dear. Lucky to have a strong family support system in my sister and parents. I will focus only on the light through this tough experience. And to me, the light is that we were able to conceive so quickly. Maybe the next time around will not take us another 3 years? For now, I still count my blessings and anticipate a better outcome as the year progresses. I am fine now, and know more than ever now, that Diego is meant to be an older brother someday...

Someday, I will not have to wake from the dream because the dream will be the reality. Someday my vacation paradise will be my everyday life. And someday, the jewel that I lost will be returned to my hands, and I won't let go...