Last night (12 weeks, 1 day) I happened upon the site of a pregnant woman as I passed the mirror on my way into the shower. My body is finally revealing a prominent baby bump. There are no more excuses: oh I'm bloated, oh I've been eating too many donuts.... etc. No, I took one look in that mirror yesterday, and there would've been no doubt if there were anyone else in the room. Is she? Yes, she is...
Fortunately through lose clothing I am still able to hide it a little. Next week on Tuesday (June 14th) I will have reached my first trimester. At that point my decision was to start telling everyone the news. "Everyone"- as in extended family, my boss & co-workers, good friends, and then catch anyone else on FaceBook, because if it's not on Facebook then it's not really happening. Am I right?
Whereas about 4 weeks ago I was ready to tell the world, right now I don't really want to say a word. I think it's been the hormones that have caused these fluctuating emotional states. Unfortunately, right now I'm in a down period. It's one of those pretty strong ones where I believe that I will have postpartum depression after the baby is born. Examples: I'm turned off by how my body looks (I know it's vain, but I'm being honest here), I've got too much on my plate and so I'm constantly tired and frustrated, any small obstacle is enough for me to feel hopeless and lost.
A few days ago I received an unexpected message from the doctor. They said that my levels came back high and they were referring me to the Sweet Success program. I had no idea what that meant, and I couldn't get a hold of anyone so I "Googled" Sweet Success. The first words I saw were: "Pregnancy" and "Diabetes". I freaked out!
How could this happen to me? I don't even crave sugar all that much and I'm a pretty healthy eater. I finally got a hold of someone from Sweet Success and setup my "first" appointment on Tuesday. All she could tell me was that my sugar levels were a 5.9 and the expected range was 4.8-5.6 so I am .3 above. She said that the data tells them I've been high for at least 3 months.
The hamster wheel started turning in my head. Have I been eating poorly since March? And it hit me that, yes, actually I sort of have. Since my 16 year old stepson came to live with us there are new items (in bulk!) in the house that were never available before: cookies, sodas, chips, and Rice Crispies Treats! Little by little, the sugar has found its way into my bloodstream. I haven't had very good discipline, especially with those infernal Rice Crispies Treats! Surprisingly, soda has also been my drink of choice. I've never cared for soda that much before.
On the phone, the woman said that I would receive information on proper diet and one of those blood sugar meter thingies to prick my finger. My heart stopped for a split second. If anyone knows me, they know I would never make a good diabetic because I am deathly afraid of self-inflicting pain and needles. It's just against my nature to be able to do it. Like how it's impossible for a person to drown themselves in a sink full of water; the natural instinct is to gasp for air. My natural instinct is just not to do it at all...
So now I am sad about this new kink in the pregnancy, sad that I'm going to have to start pricking my finger, and sad that I have yet another thing to take up time on my plate. On Monday alone, I'm going to 2 appointments and then this new one on Tuesday. And I'm tired; more tired now that I've cut out the sugar and don't drink an ounce of caffeine. It's hard for me to think of a fun way to reveal the news right now when I'm feeling this way so I may defer the reveal for a few days or even a week. I hope my clothes will still allow me to hide it so that people around me don't start wondering: