I Know What I Said

I've said more than once that I've never really wanted babies; I wanted kids.  Babies scare me.  They're so fragile and needy.  Puppies are much easier.  Plus, I was blessed with hyperactive and loud babies.

So it may seem cruel or backwards that while other mothers are trying to freeze time with their babies, I'm trying to teleport to the future and just get through this phase sanely.  I knew that I wouldn't miss the baby years; I knew what my preference was.

Until the other day, when we were walking out of Mateo's first year appointment.  After the doctor told me he was 26 pounds, I carried him out and stared down the loooooooooooong hallway.  My arms hurt just thinking about carrying him the whole way.

"Mateo, you and your 26 pounds are walking to the car!" I said and I put him down to walk down the hall holding hands with each other.

But he didn't even care about my hands.

He just left like he didn't know me.

Like we hadn't just spent the last 12 months joined at the hip.

I know I said that my finger needed a break from his hand.  I know I said I wouldn't miss it.

But at that moment.... I already did.

-Shirley